Blasphemy! Heretic! Heathen! Sound the alarm (some already have--your distance speaks volumes. To "like" one of my pictures does not automatically link you to my religious ideology or lack thereof) religious zealots!
For the past year, I have not been on the best terms with the big Guy. I have questioned the hell out of Him. I have seriously asked multiple times why He hath forsaken me.
He was not listening to me and oblivious to my wants and needs. I needed to put some distance between us. That's what you do when you're in a relationship with an absentee partner, right?
The odd thing is He and I had a good thing--a really good thing. I could depend on Him and He always came through and most times exceeded my expectations. We talked all the time and understood one another.
Then my mother got sick, and that seemed to come between us. I was angry. I needed to focus on her. Even when I tried to make time for He and I, it wasn't the same. I withdrew, and it seemed He was giving me the cold shoulder. The feelings just weren't there anymore.
It's been hard to not be in that relationship; I am not sure it will ever be the same. I have been really resistant to taking Him back. If I am being honest, the trust isn't there. I have had people try to hook us up again, but their words of wisdom come off as canned and insincere (stop telling me I must, I must, I must increase my faith). It's like people just see His side of it and I am supposed to ignore feeling ignored.
I am working through the pain of multiple losses, and that's some heavy stuff. Maybe I have complicated a simple relationship. Maybe I put too much blame on Him. Maybe it's not Him but me.
Right now, our status is it's complicated. Sometimes I want Him back, but others times I think of the hurt and those feelings of abandonment and I am okay with our relationship limbo.
If it is meant to be, we will find our way back to each other.
Documenting my evolution by filling in space and matter one word at a time.